So Innocent and Pure
by YAXON
Summary: Naruto and his team finally come to realize something... and it is not very reassuring. Naruto hasn't killed a single person by the time he's become Hokage. Not a single. one. Crackfic. One-shot. Bonus Chapter added!
1. Chapter 1

Sakura Haruno grumbled to herself as she made her way to the Tower in the wee hours of the morning. Only hours ago, she'd _just_ gotten done with a surgery that was miraculous even for her. Three hours ago, to be precise. And prior to that, she'd been working all week-long because the hospital was so short-staffed with a bug going around – _literally_ all week-long. No sleep whatsoever. She'd gotten by on coffee and soldier pills; and quite frankly, that just wasn't healthy…

Tonight had been the night Sakura was going to get some real sleep. Understandably she was grouchy that she only got three hours of the stuff.

"Alright, what's going… on…?" Sakura trailed off after violently throwing the door open, nearly causing it to snap off its hinges. The reason she faltered was the sight of what looked to be a civilian man flanked by two Anbu guards standing before the Hokage's desk; Kakashi-sensei, Sasuke, and even Sai was present as well, though they all had varying degrees of frustration written on their faces.

Naruto, the Seventh Hokage, just looked confused with Sakura's arrival.

"What're you doin' here, Sakura-chan? Thought you'd be asleep after the week you've had, dattebayo."

Sakura twitched and glared heatedly at Kakashi, Sasuke, and Sai.

"You woke me up for _this_? We all know how this will end!" She hissed.

Kakashi closed his visible eye and laughed awkwardly.

"Yeah, well… We literally can't let this one go like the others. Rehabilitation does not work, and we should know, since he went right back to it after going through rehab five times…"

"I don't care about that!" Sakura grinded her teeth. "If he's such a menace to society, why don't _you_ just execute him?!"

"Because Lord Hokage is not allowing it." Sai replied simply enough.

"You know we haven't had a proper execution in years," Sasuke added his two cents. He snorted. "Naruto thinks we can 'save him' like we did the past eighty-nine criminals. Frankly, those eighty-nine are _saints_ when you compare them to this guy, even before they were reformed."

Sakura reeled back slightly at that declaration. This guy couldn't seriously be that bad… could he? He was definitely a civilian!

"What did he _do_?" Sakura asked in disbelief, having never seen the man before.

"He's wanted on many counts of murder and rape…" Kakashi idly remarked. "Fifty-two counts of raping teenage girls, and three hundred and seventy-two murders. He's no shinobi, but clearly he's been studying what we do."

Sakura stared twitchily at the civilian man, who did not look even slightly affected by Kakashi's recount of his crimes.

"How. _How_ could be as skilled at killing as the Yellow Flash?! WHERE WERE THE DAMN ANBU?!"

"Actually, Minato-sensei has a much higher kill count," Kakashi easily contradicted his former student. "He killed a thousand Stone-nin in one battle during the Third War. But this guy will get there in time if we let him go… again… and again…"

"I repeat: _how_ did he kill so many?! Somebody would've noticed long before the kill count got that high!"

Sasuke snorted.

"Kakashi gave the total number, Sakura. Remember that this guy has been through rehab _five times_. His most recent slaughter was the result of poisoning the food at Yakiniku Q's. The only reason we were able to trace the poison back to him at all was because he doesn't give a shit. And why would he, when no matter what he does the worst he gets is a slap on the wrist and a trip to rehab?"

Seeing Sakura's face turn positively green, Kakashi sighed tiredly.

"There are just some people who need to die, Sakura-chan. There might not be so many of those ever since we dealt with Kaguya and united the villages, but there's still a few here and there." His visible eye slid over to their 'esteemed' Hokage. "Contrary to what some people believe…"

"Everyone can be saved, Sakura-chan!" Naruto boisterously defended himself. "I mean, I saved Nagato from himself, and he had a god complex, y'know. And I saved Obito, and he was absolutely convinced he was 'nobody'."

"That's… That's great, Naruto…" Sakura shakily let out as she stared in horror at her former teammate. "But what happens when you meet a guy who's just as resilient as you in terms of his… philosophy…"

"No one's more resilient than me, Sakura-chan!" Naruto grinned toothily. "Not even Sasuke, 'cause I beat some sense into _his_ thick skull, y'know. At the Valley of the End?"

Breathe, Sakura. In. Out. In. Out.

"Naruto, if therapy didn't work on this guy _five times_ , what makes you think a sixth, seventh, or even fiftieth try will?!" Sakura bellowed. "You're the damn HOKAGE. You're supposed to be defending us from threats like him!"

Naruto held up his hands placatingly.

"N-Now, now, Sakura-chan… Like I said, he's gonna go back to rehab, so you'll be safe…"

"I'm sure all those deflowered girls felt **very** safe when this guy was released back into society…" Sakura ground out. "And all those dead people…"

"Well, what do you want from me?! I'm not gonna have one of you guys kill him when there's a chance we can save him!"

"And you guys wonder why I left all those years ago…" Sasuke muttered. Ignoring him, Kakashi virtuously tried to reason with his… Hokage…

"Naruto, no one will think ill of you if you kill the **really bad** people. In fact, they'll think you as a **really good** Hokage for doing so." Kakashi idly massaged his temples.

"Why don't you do it yourself, Naruto…?" Sai proposed when it looked like the blond was going to further argue his case. He could be stubborn like that. "That way, his death is quick and probably painless…"

A Tailed Beast Bomb would certainly be capable of that, right? But the fact that Naruto's eyes glassed over was not very promising at all.

"Me… kill… somebody…?" Naruto gaped at Sai in open-mouthed horror. Sakura groaned at his theatrics.

"Surely you've gotten used to it by now," Sakura said rather exasperatedly. "You achieved your dream and became Hokage, damn it! You couldn't possibly have come all this way and not killed even a single…"

Sakura trailed off as everyone thought about it. _Really_ thought about it. They did not like this dawning realization. Not one bit.

"N-Naruto… _hasn't_ killed a single person…" Kakashi murmured in awe. "Holy shit. How did we not realize this sooner?"

"Probably because you guys handled all the killing yourselves," Sasuke deadpanned. Really, he hadn't been around the blond nearly as long as Kakashi, Sakura, or Sai. He'd been a missing-nin for several years, after all.

Sai had a contemplative face as he tried to think of even _one time_ the blond might have killed somebody.

"What about that time… no, wait… Hmm… Or what about… No…"

Indeed, even with an S-Rank mercenary group after the Nine-Tails inside of him, Naruto hadn't killed a single Akatsuki member. Sasori? Technically committed suicide by parents (that happened to be puppet replicas of said parents). Hidan? Shikamaru buried him, and he was still swearing in the Nara woods. Kakuzu? Naruto beat him, but it was Kakashi who really offed the guy. Deidara? Suicide with a **boom**. Itachi? Committed suicide by younger brother. Pain? Suicide by resurrecting the Hidden Leaf villagers. Konan? Apparently Obito killed her, though no one could confirm that. Kisame? Suicide by sharks. Zetsu? … Well, the blond _had_ killed a lot of the White Zetsu, but could they _really_ be counted as human beings? They sprouted damn trees when Naruto attacked them with Nine-Tails' Chakra. Black Zetsu was sealed with his mother. Obito? Suicide by Saving The World. Madara? Died after the Tailed Beasts and Kaguya were extracted from him. Kaguya? … Sealed. Actually it was kinda disturbing how so many Akatsuki members committed suicide… whether by technicality or not. _At least_ six members brought about their own deaths. So much for tough-as-nails mercenaries.

And of course Orochimaru and Kabuto were both still around. Reformed and all that. It was kinda disturbing with Kabuto running an orphanage… but you got used to it.

"SHANNARO! That is _it_!" Sakura screeched. "Naruto, you are going to execute this sonuvabitch _right now_. Pop your damn cherry already, damn it!"

Naruto just stared at Sakura in open-mouthed horror.

"C…Can't one of you guys do it for me? I… I save people, I don't kill them."

" **SHANNARO**!"

One of the Anbu, who had remained silent up until this point, delicately coughed to gain everyone's attention, even his partner who had been too absorbed in the back-and-forth between the Hokage and his legendary team.

"Um… the prisoner has escaped, sirs, madam."

Everyone turned to see the shackles laying harmlessly on the ground and the door to the office still wide open. Kakashi summed up everyone's thoughts.

"Well… shit."

* * *

 **Author's Note:** **I'm done trying to argue the same points over and over. If you want to bring up the flaw, "But Naruto DID kill before," feel free to if you are compelled to. The bonus chapter is meant to amend that, and this will stay a crackfic, so don't feel too disappointed if the whole premise remains basically unchanged. Fillers? Movies? It's fine to say Naruto killed there; what I'm focusing on here is canon. In canon, yes, Naruto had the urge to kill several times; I never explicitly said Naruto didn't. If you're referring to Naruto's reaction to killing when I brought it up here, it was more for comedic effect, not to say that Naruto has NEVER wanted to kill.**

 **The main point of contention has been Naruto killing Yura. I will say it until I'm blue in the face: I WAS WRONG. The bonus chapter is an admission of that. But don't think I'm changing the premise; this is a crackfic, so I'm putting a spin on that first kill, whether you like it or not. Kakuzu, Obito, all the rest to my knowledge have been NEAR-KILLS, but others stole them from Naruto, pretty much. Kakashi cut down Kakuzu with (presumably) Chidori. Obito died more because he overused Kamui/his Chakra.**

 **I'm sorry if this comes off a little rant-y, I'm just trying to stop the same arguments from being repeated. Again: I was wrong. But it's a crackfic, so if you want to take it seriously, be my guest; this WAS for fun, and not to merely point something out. I probably shouldn't make a big deal out of it myself.**


	2. Bonus Chapter

"So you really took your first life, huh?"

Boruto looked up at his teammate, who didn't seem as pissed anymore. He grinned and flashed her a 'V' for Victory sign.

"Yup! A seriously powerful one, too! Bet it took dad _years_ to kill his first powerful opponent. He was the Dead Last of his class, dattebasa."

Sarada sweatdropped as he brought that up. Wouldn't he be surprised…?

"Actually…" Sarada trailed off, bent down, and whispered into his ear. In moments, Boruto was twitching and jumping to his feet.

" **WHAAAAAAAAT**?!" He bellowed and stomped away, intent on finding his father. Sarada, meanwhile, just giggled.

Even if, in his own little way, Boruto really admired his dad, there were certain things about him that genuinely pissed Boruto off. Missing Himawari's birthday was one thing. Not spending enough time with his family was another. Not killing a _single_ opponent because his teammates basically held him back or did all the killing for him?

… Yeah. There were just some things that you just didn't do. Boruto thought his dad was cocky and nauseating before. But inadvertently or not, his dad kept his hands squeaky clean while his poor teammates had to stain theirs crimson red… They were going to have a _talk_ , no matter how much of a power gap there was between the two of them!

* * *

"You know, idiot, it's kind of sad when you're a Z-Class shinobi and your own _son_ got his first kill before you ever did." Sasuke smirked as Naruto downed another beer. 'Z-Class' wasn't an _official_ Rank… But really. They needed something better than S-Rank in order to give the other hard-earned S-Rankers a break when they had people like Hashirama, Madara, Kaguya, Hagoromo, Hamura, Sasuke, and Naruto to live up to. If they didn't… the highest rank of threat an ordinary shinobi could live up to was A-Rank.

There were just some people so far removed from the rest of shinobi kind. That's just how the crummy system operated. To a degree, the 'new generation passing the old one' just did not work in some cases. If it did… they would simply have an unmanageable system, because they'd all be friggin' gods.

"Shaddup, Sasuke, I don' wanna talk about it…" Naruto hiccupped and slammed his bottle on the counter thrice. The bartender had come to understand that was Naruto's way of saying he wanted another. And who was he to deny the Hokage?

Naruto would have gone out for ramen after saving the world yet again, but Sasuke just wouldn't let the issue die. So… he needed to get drunk. Very, very drunk. And because of damn Kurama, that meant he needed to drink like seventy bottles or something… He was already on bottle twenty three.

"You know this wouldn't be so much of an issue if you had just killed that one guy a few years back," Sasuke 'kindly' pointed out. Naruto growled in frustration.

"I told you to shaddup. Wasn't gonna kill a guy if we could save 'im…" Naruto muttered between sips. "Y'know that guy dropped off the radar? You should, 'cause Sakura's been bitching to me 'bout it…"

Sasuke snorted.

"Because village intelligence suggests he slipped out of the village and went to the Hidden Sand." Sasuke commented dryly. "Do you want to know how long he lasted? Half an hour. Dumbass move, going to the one Great Hidden Village where the Kage can control the very environment itself without batting an eye."

"… Oh." Naruto said. What else was there to say? He'd tried to rehabilitate the guy. Really. "Poor guy."

Sasuke twitched but did not bother trying to argue. Only Naruto would feel pity for a guy that wasn't merely a serial _killer_ but a serial _rapist_ as well. Only him…

"If I were to, say… go rogue again right now… Would you be willing to make _me_ your first kill?" Sasuke asked in that typical flat tone of his. He kinda knew the answer already…

"Nooo way." Naruto hiccupped again, signaling for another bottle. He leaned over to Sasuke and affectionately, if a bit vigorously, patted him on the shoulder. "Yer my bestest friend in the whole world, Sasuke…"

Sasuke just stared at Naruto in his slightly inebriated state. This guy…

"I tried to kill _you_. Multiple times. The first time I put a Chidori through your chest and left a gaping hole! _How_ can you possibly call me your best friend after all that…"

Naruto let out a throaty laugh and hiccupped again.

"We're shinobi, so we're all a little crazy… And violence is kinda the par for the course, wouldn't ya say?"

Sasuke narrowed his eyes.

"Some would say that _killing_ is par for the course with us… But you would be the dumbest exception ever."

Even though Naruto had only downed, like, thirty eight bottles, he still let out a drunken laugh and clapped like a walrus. A drunk walrus.

"Funny story about that! Lemme tell you something that Kurama apparently did a while back… It's funny."

By the end of it, Sasuke wasn't laughing. In fact, he was introducing his head to a wall.

* * *

 _\- Years ago, Gaara Rescue Mission… -_

Kakashi stared at the body that hadn't really been Itachi Uchiha. He stared, and stared, and stared. Here Naruto had _finally_ gotten his first kill. Here he could _finally_ get that little talk about First Kills out of the way with the blond… _and the boy wasn't in control of his body_.

" **Don't worry, fleshbag, you can thank me later… Heeheehee…** " With that, the red eyes and foxy features on Naruto's face receded, and the boy blinked confusedly up at Kakashi.

"Huh? Kaka-sensei? What's goin' on?"

Kakashi twitched for a moment before stomping over to a nearby tree and introducing his head to hit. Harshly. And several times. It took a scowling Sakura to pull him away before he did serious damage, but Kakashi was still twitching by the end of it.

"I'm… going to need a Yamanaka for this…" Kakashi said somewhat dazedly.

Best to just repress this whole experience. Not even Tsunade with all her might as Hokage would be able to protect Naruto from the viciously paranoid Council… Danzo in particular. They couldn't afford it getting out that the Nine-Tails had possessed Naruto, even if it was only briefly. And Kakashi didn't want to know why or how that had happened. It just did.

Because even though Naruto had finally gotten his first kill… In the end, the Nine-Tails was _protecting_ the boy from _knowingly_ shedding blood. Damn furball.

* * *

 **Author's Note: Just so we're all clear,** _ **yes**_ **, Naruto had killed somebody in canon… A minor kill that I glossed over in my research. I just think it's more amusing if Naruto wasn't aware of it. But aside from that one instance, the guy canonically has no kills that we know of. We can say that he came close in some instances, but 'close' only counts in horseshoes, don't it? XD**

 **As for the Mizuki postulation… I will say I'm not entirely sure about** _ **canon**_ **about him. But I do know he showed up in a filler arc… I'd have to watch that again. But even so, fillers are about on the same level as movies in most instances. Like the Tsunade Dream Arc… that was** _ **not**_ **what it was in the manga. :P**


End file.
